In the midst of all this blogging and crafting and baking I realise I am at risk of coming across a bit Stepford or supermum. So, just to set the record straight – here’s five things a good mother probably wouldn’t do (but I have).
1) Skip the plate stage and put food straight on the floor.
Yes, I confess. But desperate times lead to desperate measures (why won’t the buggers just EAT??), and anyway, they seem to prefer it a la linoleum.
2) Allow play with inappropriate objects just because it keeps them quiet.
“Don’t be ridiculous of course a 15-month-old shouldn’t be allowed to play with a £500 mobile phone. Oh, it keeps her quiet for 45 seconds you say? Go right ahead.”
Then there’s the destructive play. I run a constant ticker tape, calculating energy-required-to-tidy-up-mess-being-made VS energy-saved-by-getting-a-break-while-destruction-is-wreaked. Eg toilet roll unravelling = well worth it. Emptying clothes draw on the other hand, is not. This is Gertie’s latest ‘toy’:
See how happy and contented and QUIET she is? Definitely worth it.
3) Allow big brother to dress little sister just because it keeps him happy. This picture was taken in March and yes, we did leave the house like this.
Believe me, this is better than some of the combos Stan has chosen for her.
4) Invent role-playing games that allow you to doze while playing. Classics include doctors and nurses where you are the patient; Christmas Eve when you are the sleeping child waiting for Santa; night-time at the farm etc. But my personal favourite is ‘Builders’ – I am always on a tea break. He falls for it every time. Ha!
5) Do anything for a good photo op – even if it makes your child cry. Oh come on, everybody does that – don’t they?
Condoms (in wrappers) are amazing distractor toys. They also add to your arsenal of witty bon mots should anyone ask what your cherub is playing with; and gradually remove the embarrassment gene (which means that you can train your child from an early age “to always use a condom”),
Excellent! I remember my brother coming out with a ‘toy’ from my bedside draw once when he was about 5. I didn’t let him play with that one!
Very funny. This is all too familiar to me!
I think there might be a numbers 5-10 list at some point, this is by no means exhaustive!
Ahaaa. Nodded along with all of those.
This morning I discovered that the emptying of the draw is worth it if I am in bed with a cup of tea!
Loved reading No2 it’s nice to know it’s not just me who lets her daughters play with san pro for a few mins peace and quiet even when our twins filled their mini shopping trolley full of my fanny pads and then pushed it up and down the garden path which wasn’t so bad until they started taking handfuls of them, opening them up and waving them about the place. Oh the joys…
Oh good, I’m not alone. I did wonder if perhaps I was on this one…
Very funny. I am clearly not a good mother!
Oh dear this did make me laugh. We’ve all been there.
The photos make this post!
I’m looking forward to the Gertie payback time when she dresses her brother in a frock
Oh, he’d love that!
Yep, I’ve done all of these. Just as I thought, I’m NOT a good mother!
Yep, pretty much all the same here! My son’s favourite current toy is the hoover, which is a good job as its the only outing the thing gets!
If only they could actually be useful with the cleaning. My four-year-old actually likes wiping the table down after dinner, but sadly he just leaves a smeary film that I’m not allowed to wipe off
Brilliant. I had the draw emptying for the first time yesterday. I think I’m okay with it.
Just don’t bother ironing or folding and it’s fine!
Definitely guilty of the photo opp, we have several incredibly embarrasing photos of the poor lad which he will grow up to HATE me for!
I may also have given the baby a carrier bag to play with whilst I get ready in the morning as it keeps him content for ages. Not left alone with it, but he loves it!
Gertie loves the dishwasher tablets and anything else highly toxic she can drag out from under the sink. I figure, so long as you keep an eye on them…
I used to do the whole role playing whilst snoozing thing…..hairdressers is a great one for that….try it!
Hairdressers is a great idea – you get a bit of a head massage thrown in for free!
Very very funny! I love your role play games. Am going to use a few of those tomorrow…
role play while dozing – I’m with you. Also, playing hide and seek and being the seeker counting up to 7 million very, very slowly
I like it!
Ha ha brilliant… a few times I have watched my toddler enjoy balancing on the laptop and not quite had the energy to stop her…
So been there!
Brilliant, made me chuckle and gave me peace of mind that I am not the only one
What is it with tampons? My son loved those as well. Had totally forgotten. Hurrah! New toy for daughter!
Been dying to do the Ikea one for years!! Never been brave enough. Well done you!
haha hilarious!!
Gosh I’m so shocked by this. I’d never do anything like – hang on – just a minute while I show the 21 month old how to switch on the ipad.
Very funny and oh so true!
My son’s equivalent to your one’s toilet roll unravelling is emptying a box of mansize tissues, one-by-one, then tearing each one into a thousand tiny pieces. Very much well worth the break it gives me, and also a great photo opportunity of them absolutely surrounded and covered in fluffy white tissue.
Haha this is brilliant! I always used to let Iyla play with my tampons until she started asking for them when we were out! I was so embarrassed that I put a stop to it but generally anything else I let her destroy to get a few moments peace! x
I’ve recently started a blog and I’d never read a blog before so just do my own thing. I’ve been unable to work out how to use the search to find ones I’d enjoy but today I discovered ‘forums’ and through that got a link to your blog. Its great. I am some years further on in my ‘family life’ but can totally relate to this post and the others I’ve read are great – a wonderful mix of humour and practical advice. Thank you for brightening up my day. I’m looking forward to reading more.
Glad you liked it – thanks for the comment. I went back to work a month ago and so have seriously neglected my blog. I need to make sure I schedule in a bit of time each week to keep it up, as I love writing it.
I like the IKEA picture – any other creative ideas for photo opportunities? I may use them in my work